As I listen to Jin’s solo song from BTS’ latest album (Wings: You Never Walk Alone), I can’t help but relate to it. The song in question is ‘Awake’, and as I begin to lay the foundation of where I see myself going. I find the song serving as a mirror to what I’m currently experiencing.
I hate not being sure about my future.
If you ever met me, you’d always wonder how someone so rigid when it comes to certain aspects of her life ended up working in advertising. I myself wonder sometimes especially when I deal with cranky clients, work pressure and trying to create the ‘perfect work-life balance’. I’m at this point where I’m unsure of the work field I’m in, while my work situation is million years better than how it was last year (Hallelujah!). I still find myself lying awake at night wondering about whether my dreams are just that, and when I will be able to spread my wings and fly.
I have an almost pathological fear of being average which is hilarious considering I look like a stereotypical SJW- Tumblr hipster who gets her coffee from Starbucks, is the owner of two cats and reads fan fiction on her commutes to work. I don’t know how to write this without sounding like a pretentious nut but I hate being average, and settling for a comfortable life. I envy people who are happy staying in their lanes and happy with getting a fat pay cheque because I couldn’t be that. I know that there’s nothing wrong with average and most of the books I read have characters who practically have apoplectic fits over being able to set a boa constrictor on their cousin (I’m looking at you, Harry James Potter).
The truth is there’s no pain without gain and nearly all the time the mood board you’ve dreamt up in your head or created on Pinterest doesn’t look like the one you have in real life. I’m already 23 and honestly I feel like I’m missing out on so many moments because of how life is. I don’t think I’m any closer to getting into film school because of my personal commitments and a part of me wonders whether I will end up going there.
They tell you the world is your oyster and the sky is the limit. But how do you shoot for the moon when you don’t have NASA building you a rocket? People tell us that when you’re a millennial, everything is yours and you can still be “an adult” and “take a year off” trekking across Europe and live on a train without people realizing you’re a homeless freeloader. There are literally people whining on BuzzFeed comments on how everything is easy for us despite most of us having the bleakest economic prospects since the Great Depression. I know close friends and family who are currently unemployed and stuck in this constant state of ‘what to do I do now? or is this the right thing to do?’.
I’m always worrying about the future and wondering whether Filmmaker!Sharanya is a go or no.
To quote one of my closest friends, “If it happens, it happens. Don’t over think things”.
But how can I not?
I don’t know if this blog post is just the anxiety talking or the rant of a green-tea sipping social media exec working on a content calendar. I feel so overwhelmed about my future and sometimes I wish I had a time-travelling remote to get a glimpse into how my future is. I’m too jaded and too stubborn to accept not touching the sky and flying – which is probably why I give myself so many headaches caused by introspection, reflection and brooding.
Maybe I, I can never fly
I can’t (fly) like the flower petals over there
Or as though I have wings
Maybe I, I can’t touch the sky
Still, I want to stretch my hand out
I want to run, just a bit more
But I still find myself running even though my feet hurt and there are moments where I want to collapse and close in on myself. That’s the beauty of the human spirit I guess, we’re too stubborn for our own good.
AN: GIF isn’t mine, I found it on Pinterest. Lyrics in the second quote are from Jin’s Awake.