Chasing Ghosts

kiddingme

This year hasn’t been the easiest year for me so far – I’ve had a really weird and complicated year and I’ve cried a lot in the past two and a half months.

The worst thing about this year is that because now I’m officially an ‘adult’. I’m supposed to take responsibility and learn to suck up things I’m actually not even supposed to put up with in the first place.

Being an adult is the most frightening thing because you can’t use your youth anymore for crappy decisions, you need to start taking responsibility and I’m so scared that I’m failing at it. Like I’m crashing and burning even before my novel has began.

I am supposed to have all my plans in order and a future laid out for me in the form of a five-year plan that’s supposed to make me feel like I’m doing something right with my life. I’m supposed to shut up and work with people who think it’s okay to tell me what I should eat, and constant comments about my looks, lunch, and my opinions.

While I do all of that, I’m expected to live this life that’s got gym workouts, time to meet up with friends, balance hobbies (lol, what hobbies) and be mentally up to wanting to have a future.

My friendships have suffered a lot recently, and I even wrote an advice email to Captain Awkward who I got told by a mod named Jennifer to “go and see a therapist, if you’re already not seeing one.”

Gee thanks, Jennifer. I really needed to hear that Oprah-worthy reply after pouring out my heart to you.

All of this happened to me while I was trying to understand why I was friends with someone who doesn’t like me but talks to me anyway, and someone who I considered a good friend but ended up getting mad that I wanted to be in touch with her (I got quite the lashing on Facebook chat).

Then, there’s her, you know that friend I’ve probably blogged about multiple times on this blog when she’s been emotionally screwing me over, and acting like nothing ever happened every time she runs back when she needs her “best friend”. I’m just so tired of being treated like I’m making all the wrong decisions and choices, I don’t even know what kind of friendship we both have because we are always fighting or just not in touch. I’m only important if shit happens in her life and I’m always the spare, which is the most frustrating thing in the world because she’s always emotionally unavailable for me. I’m just so tired of being treated like I’m making all the wrong decisions and choices, I don’t even know what kind of friendship we both have because we are always fighting or just not in touch. I’m only important if shit happens in her life and I’m always the spare, which is the most frustrating thing in the world because she’s always emotionally unavailable for me.

I’m just so tired of being treated like I’m making all the wrong decisions and choices, I don’t even know what kind of friendship we both have because we are always fighting or just not in touch. I’m only important if shit happens in her life and I’m always the spare, which is the most frustrating thing in the world because she’s always emotionally unavailable for me.

The worst thing about all of this is that I’m so scared of growing up.

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I wish I had made more mistakes when I was in college and actually done things. I’m just in an internship which I don’t really know what I’m going to do with myself after this is over, I keep applying for jobs and looking at people my age and thinking, “Wow, they’re really good at this whole growing up thing.”

I feel like I’m stuck and I’m not going forward, I’m so scared of getting a job that I may choose to make money and forego my dream of being a filmmaker. I’m just so scared that whatever I said I would do just vanish and then, I would be forced to settle into a life I really don’t know if I’m ready for.

I don’t want to feel like I’m chasing ghosts instead of actual dreams; because that’s all I ever feel that I’m doing nowadays. I feel like I’m no closer to getting to the place I want to be in my five-year plan than I was a year ago in university.

And that’s a really awful feeling.

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